I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
