Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
