he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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