I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
