Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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