You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
my shit smells like andre
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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