I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
You may now shotgun with the bride
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize