the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
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