i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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