Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
