if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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