When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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