Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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