nut hugger
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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