Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
