At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
