K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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