Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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