I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
