Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Welp...herpes.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
My Sexting was not on an AP level
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