I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
