Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
