I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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