Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
