I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
