We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
