i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
