You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
