i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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