Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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