i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
