when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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