Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
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