they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
