Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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