If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
