She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
