it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Randomize
