you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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