you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
