Pappa wants mamma naked
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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