I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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