Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
