so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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