Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
