Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
