Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I just gift wrapped bread.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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