i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
