Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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