Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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