I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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