He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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