Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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