you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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