im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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