Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize