I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Randomize
