I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize