would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
