So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
