and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
